72 Black-Eyed Virgins Still Waiting To Give It Up

AL JANNAH (Islamic Heaven) — Making a claim sure to confound many Islamic extremists back in the world of mere mortals, 72 dark-eyed virgins came forward this week to announce they’re still impatiently lounging about this divine garden paradise while restlessly waiting to “get the turf tapped” for the very first time.

The virgins — or houri as referred to in the Quran — allege that they have yet to receive even just one sensual and well-endowed martyr to teach them the ways of love, despite what they say have been sporadic promises that date as far back as the Fulani War of the early 1800s, and which have become much more frequent since 9/11.

“All day long we just lie in bed beneath this pearl, aquamarine, and ruby-decorated dome, longing for our jihadi prince to arrive and embrace our modest gaze,” said Fareiba, a nymph of lovely eyes and pure being who spoke on behalf of her 71 fellow houri during a press availability with Al Jazeera earlier in the week.

“If only a single Mujahideen warrior who died so nobly in the eyes of Allah while slaughtering the infidels could finally make his journey here and lead us down the path of sensual ecstasy,” Fareiba continued, “then maybe me and the girls would be able to turn off these ‘Shahs of Sunset’ reruns and finally get this 72-on-one, reverse-virgin gang bang started.”

“I mean, seriously, what could be taking so long?”

At press time, the houri were reporting that they still hadn’t gotten any.