Listen Up America "Canadians are careful. We have two railroads, two airlines, two languages, and two temperatures." ~Barry Mather, writer, Parliamentarian July 1, 1979 "The United States is our friend whether we like it or not." ~Robert Thompson Social Credit Politician, 1967 "Canada is a Country whose main exports are hockey players and cold fronts. Our main imports are baseball players and acid rain." ~Pierre Elliott Trudeau "A Canadian is someone who knows how to make love in a canoe, standing up, and not get wet." ~Pierre Berton, Author and raconteur "The US is our trading partner, our neighbour, our ally and our friend... and sometimes we'd like to give them such a smack." ~Rick Mercer "I am told that the Inuit have some 60 words for snow... for different kinds of snow. That does not surprise me. They see a lot of it. I live considerably south of the tree line, but even I have 17 words for snow- none of them usable in public." ~Arthur Black, Broadcaster and writer. "Americans should never underestimate the constant pressure on Canada which the mere presence of the United States has produced. We're different people from you and we're different people because of you. Living next to you is in some ways like sleeping with an elephant. No matter how friendly and even-tempered is the beast, if I can call it that, one is affected by every twitch and grunt. It should not therefore be expected that this kind of nation, this Canada, should project itself as a mirror image of the United States." ~Pierre Elliott Trudeau They must be doing something right up there in Canada. ~ Hugh Hefner, Playboy Founder A truly Canadian Apology to the USA, courtesy of Rick Mercer from This Hour Has 22 Minutes, CBC Television: Hello. I'm Anthony St. George on location here in Washington. On behalf of Canadians everywhere I'd like to offer an apology to the United States of America. We haven't been getting along very well recently and for that, I am truly sorry. I'm sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron, but it wasn't nice of us to point it out. If it's any consolation, the fact that he's a moron shouldn't reflect poorly on the people of America. After all, it's not like you actually elected him. I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you, doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber that's cheaper and better than your own. It would be like if, well, say you had ten times the television audience we did and you flood our market with great shows, cheaper than we could produce. I know you'd never do that. I'm sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defense I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, much better than yours. As word of apology, please accept all of our NHL teams which, one by one, are going out of business and moving to your fine country. I'm sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you're going up against a crazed dictator, you want to have your friends by your side. I realize it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different. Everyone knew he had weapons. I'm sorry we burnt down your White House during the War of 1812. I see you've rebuilt it! It's very nice. I'm sorry for Alan Thicke, Shania Twain, Celine Dion, Loverboy, that song from Seriff that ends with a really high-pitched long note. Your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer, but we feel your pain. And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way which is really a thinly veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you're not upset over this. Because we've seen what you do to countries you get upset with. For 22 minutes, I'm Anthony St. George, and I'm sorry.